We’ve all experienced loneliness at least once. It may be as
simple as no one sitting with you at the lunch table. Or maybe you moved to a
new town and don’t know anyone. It could be more complicated; you could be
surrounded by people and feel this intense longing to belong!
During my teen years, I never really felt a sense of
belonging. I attended a Baptist school, and didn’t agree with many of the
strict regulations in place. However, I was far too conservative to hang with
the “wild” bunch.
Having felt lonely for many years, I married the first guy
who said “I love you.” Marriage didn’t fix my loneliness. I still did not
belong. Depression struck me really hard in my mid-twenties. So many oppressive
thoughts plagued me. Fighting these mental attacks was exhausting. My
depression worsened in my early thirties. By this time I was divorced,
financially struggling, and trying to rebuild my life.
For many years, my church attendance was sporadic at best. I
dreaded attending church. I have known for many years that God loves me. I’ve
had high morals since a teen, but for over 3 decades I didn’t have a good relationship with Christ. I avoided church because “religion” serves no purpose
in my life. I’m completely against religious traditions and customs. I don’t
want to act a certain way for the simple fact that Christians have always done
it this way. I see no point in attending
a church service just for brownie points. When we arrive at the pearly gates,
God is not awarding gold stars and blue 1st place ribbons because we
had perfect attendance in church!
I
hit rock bottom in 2008. I grieved the loss of a romantic relationship as well
as the loss of a loved one. There were many nights I lay in bed in the fetal position
crying, balling uncontrollably asking God to please just take me home. I was so
drained. I was so tired of battling these demons in my head. The voices telling
me I would never amount to anything, no one loved me, I’m ugly, and so many
other horrible lies that I believed. I was haunted day and night by these lies.
I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to fight this exhausting battle
anymore.
In the summer of 2011,
I found a whole new life! I started attending a Word of Faith church. I was
baptized in the Holy Spirit. I no longer walk into a sanctuary, quietly sit
down or stand as I sing old hymnals, and sit in a pew for 30 – 45 minutes while
I try my best to stay awake during a sermon! Instead, I’m usually standing for
the first 20 -30 minutes as the band plays and the congregation loudly rejoices
with songs. We clap, jump, sway from side to side, and even lift our hands. Our
sermons (or messages) are not quiet. My Pastor is humorous, passionate, direct,
and lovingly in your face with the Word of God. I learned that I have power
over these demons. When the voices start talking to me, I talk right back! Through
the power in the name of Jesus, I rebuke these demons now. The demons have
learned to leave me alone.
This
last Sunday while in worship service, something dawned on me. I really enjoy
attending church now. My church is like no other. We truly worship & praise
Jesus and celebrate Him. This time of worship and celebration rejuvenates my
soul! It is empowering. I am surrounded by 200 or more believers in Christ as
we celebrate His never ending love and grace, we thank Him for His unconditional
love, and praise Him for who He is. This time of worship can be pretty intense
as I enter the throne room and have my alone time with Jesus. I realized that
the reason attending church is so important is to renew our strength in these
attacks from the dark side. In addition to loving on God, we receive love from
God. We are refreshed. I still have my struggles just like everyone else, but I’m
no longer alone. I fully rest in God. As it says in Hebrews 13:5 “I will never
leave you nor forsake you.”
To
all of you who are weary and brokenhearted, abandoned, hurt, rejected, and
lonely; one thing remains, GOD! His love never fails, never gives up, and never
runs out on us!
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