Sunday, May 15, 2011

relationships.... frustration

If you ever doubt that God has a sense of humor, just read this and you'll know that he is full of laughs. Not laughing at us in an evil way of course, but he does like to play jokes. This must be where humans adopted this behavior.

I haven't been in a dating relationship for two & half years. I have felt unloved, unwanted, rejected, and lonely much longer than two & half years. Obviously as a woman I wanted to be loved on the major holidays. I get tired of seeing the other women at the office receiving flowers on their birthday and valentines day. As a single person I really don't want to see happy couples displaying any type of affection towards each other because it's just a reminder that I am all alone.

As a christian, I've learned to take all things to God in prayer even when I feel really stupid about the request. So as silly as this sounds, this year I started just pouring out my heart to God. I've been completely honest with Him. I mean, He already knows all of my thoughts, wants, needs, and so forth. There really is no harm in telling Him. And in my prayer life I have been a little sarcastic (that's just me & He knows this since I am His creation). I have been completely honest. I started telling God, you know what it's been a really long time since a man has loved me. It's been even longer since I've scored in the bedroom. I realize that I'm not ready for a marriage, but as you know I really do want to have sex. I am burning with this desire. Could you like give me a free pass and send a gorgeous guy to me who is also good in bed and just let me get this out of my system?? Or better yet God, could you just take this desire from me all together until you send me someone???

I start to feel a little bit of relief. I meet this wonderful guy. I feel completely safe around him (which is very important). He's a good christian guy. I can discuss spiritual issues with him and he not only understands it, but he encourages me in Christ. He doesn't judge me (or others for that matter) which is really important to me. He knows my worst secret and deepest shame and his opinion of me didn't change. But I'm just like one of the guys with him. As usual, I'm the homegirl. He's probably thinking: yeah, we can hang out and joke and tease one another but I don't love you, I have no desire to date you. You're beautiful and all but I don't want to sleep with you. You just don't do it for me.

REALLY??? Seriously??? So I pour out my heart to God and this is what I get? It's so easy to understand why women are lesbians. Ok, maybe not because another woman can't really meet the one need that I have right now. (i know that my mother is reading this and she just said out loud to herself "oh thank God, that was just a joke.")

I really don't know how much more of this frustration I can handle. I love my buddies. I'd be lost without them. They are wonderful guys and most of them spoil me and treat me like gold in one way or another. But it leaves a girl to wonder, why in the world are we not dating? And what really kills me, is when he tells me that I'm going to make a great wife or mother one day. Or when he says something like any guy would be lucky to have me. Really?? Is that supposed to make me feel better? So I'm not good enough for you to sleep with or date, but any other guy on the planet would be lucky to have me? You know what guys, you can just avoid that phrase all together. It only worsens the situation.

So, here I am facing another day waking up all by myself. I will go to church, come home & take a nap. I'll be spending yet another evening alone. Why, because I'm a great person, I'm beautiful, I'm full of life, I'm funny, and people enjoy spending time with me but no one wants to pick up the phone and invite me over tonight. They'd rather spend the evening with the other woman in their life who is all these things and apparently a little bit more because they earned that coveted title of girlfriend.

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