Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I met Bill Sheldon in the fall of 2003 while attending a divorce recovery program. He was one of my facilitators. The program was held at First Baptist Church. While attending this class I was introduced to their Tuesday night volleyball "club." It started as a singles group and after the singles group fell apart the volleyball managed to hold itself together. It isn't mandatory. We don't have established teams. If you show up, you play for 90 minutes. Some nights we have just enough people to form two teams. Some nights we have so many people we are steadily rotating .

Although I played volleyball regularly, I didn't attend this church. I kinda bounced around from church to church looking for a new home. Bill was a pretty active member @ Grove Ave Baptist. And in July 2008 when Bill died his funeral was held at Grove Ave. I haven't been to his church since the funeral. I know how painful that first trip will be. The thought of walking into the church paralyzes me. Well tonight I had many flashbacks of the divorce recovery program. I had many fond memories of Bill while at the church playing volleyball. And the memories were so distracting that the ball pretty much beat the heck out of me tonight. When I left the church tonight, I just felt a wave of emotion come over me. I was lifeless driving home. I went through the motions: stopped @ red lights & stop signs, remembered to fill up a tank of gas, correctly navigated my home. But my mind was consumed with images of Bill. I'm just surprised. I realize that I met him there, but why does this still have such a hold over me? I only knew him for 5 years. I realize that we were close, but my goodness. I've never handled a death to this extent. Granted this is the first time in my life that someone I was actively involved with on a regular basis committed suicide. His manner of death is the most shocking part. I think that is why I'm so hung up on it.

In addition to that, I met Frank while playing volleyball. I am 99% certain that he won't return to play the game, but there are still memories of him at the game. Tonight someone asked me about him and that is when they all realized that Frank and I are no longer dating. They were amazed that I haven't seen him in over a year. I am completely over Frank and to be honest am quite smitten with another guy who spends way too much time in my thought life. So why do these memories plague me? Am I remembering Frank because there isn't another love in my life to replace that "position" (for lack of a better word)? People aren't like slippers. It's not out with the old & in the new.

alright, so much for rambling on. the only thing that i have concluded tonight is that i need a new pair of slippers :)

night all. hopefully tonight i can make it to bed before midnight

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