This year i've been wearing cosmetics, wearing artificals nails, wearing skirts & dress, wearing pumps and flirting my ass off with complete strangers. I've also lost 25 pounds, enjoy exercising on a regular basis, am eating healthier, and continue to grow spiritually. After accomplishing all of this, I am still sad. I went to see my favorite therapist today. Before I could even speak the tears lunged out as if escaping from prison. He even gave me a box of tissues just for me :) He didn't change my circumstance, solve any problems, quote scripture, say any of those stupid cliches that we all adopt in church to temporarily cheer up someone. He did listen, empathize, remind me how far I have come since my initial visit (the week after the 9/11 tragedy) and my last visit (5 years ago to the day).
I was very encouraged to hear about the positive steps I have taken and the great decisions I have made. It still boggles my mind how someone can do all the right things, make the best decisions for that moment, abide by God's law, and laugh all day at the smallest thing can be so SAD. I don't have the strength to go to Grove Ave Baptist Church any more because my dear friend attended there and he is no longer with us. I can't look at certain pictures without crying. I proudly wear an old jacket full of holes that doesn't even fit me because it warms my heart that my sister gave it to me and I miss her greatly. I keep a water bottle just because it has the Air Force logo on it because it reminds me of my brother and I wish so much that we could hit rewind on life and erase all of the stupid decisions that separated us. As I walk out the door every day to face life, I put all of these feelings on a shelf in the far back corner of my mind but the moment I come home and see all of the emptiness in my small home, I AM OVERCOME WITH SADNESS.