grief

On July 19, 2008 a friend of mine committed suicide. I spent the latter half of 2010 truly grieving and healing. I called Bill "dad." He was like a 2nd dad to me. Bill was a member of Grove Avenue Baptist Church. He was active in the church and I could see him on TV in the choir. I watched him in plays at the church. The last time I stepped foot in Grove Ave was for his funeral.

Shortly after his death I was introduced to meetup.com. I've tried a few of the meet up groups and only 1 really stuck. In this meet up group I met someone named Tony. Tony is a little younger than Bill was when I met him, but he could still be my dad. We call him Father Guido. I don't know how the nick name originated but I feel like part of the community when we have nick names so I continue to call him that. Tony & I were joking quite a bit last night in the same way that Bill & I would. I hate to use the word replacement, but Tony has become my stand in Bill. Last night Tony & I were discussing church. Much to my dismay he attends Grove Ave Baptist Church. He extended a friendly invitation to some of their activities and I quickly changed the topic with my sarcasm.

The thought of walking into that church again paralyzes me. I envision myself entering the sanctuary and I see the coffin. I see the closed coffin bearing this stupid floral head piece that shamely advertised HUSBAND. Tears fill my eyes as I stand there all alone in this huge sanctuary just staring at that lifeless coffin. I don't even know if his corpse was in it. I heard rumor of an autopsy.

ok, so i feel better now. with eyes full of tears, i should probably start the day