Saturday, January 22, 2011

For years I've had nightmares about life with my ex husband. Although he never violently laid a hand on me, he constantly reminded me how he really could hurt me. We have a little anger management problem. I am verbally abusive and he used force. I imagine he learned that behavior from his father.
After completing the Bible study Breaking Free by Beth Moore and talking to a therapist on and off for years, I am finally free of the fear that I once lived in. I didn't realize that by living in fear I gave him power over me. This week I've had some very strange dreams about life with my ex husband. In the dreams we were not married but attended the same church and knew each other well. In the dreams he was inconvenienced in a variety of ways and I offered to help him. It was just plain weird. I woke up this morning relieved that for once he was in one of my dreams and it was peaceful. I didn't wake up in a panic and covered in sweat.
When I first moved in with my parents in April of 2002, every night I dreamt that he and his friends were chasing after me and I always wound up with a bullet in my head. I think my subconscious turned the emotional death I felt into a physical death in dream land. I had this nightmare for at least 5 years. As I healed, the nightmares slowly tapered down to once a week then monthly. The nightmares had almost completely ceased until my brother started down the long road of divorce. Every time I talked to my brother I had a nightmare that night about my ex husband.
When my brother and his wife reconciled I was very angry at the situation. I was angry that I invested so much financially and emotionally and it was all for nothing. The money I gave him is nothing. The sleepless nights that I endured, that was the real price for me.
Alright, I said my peace. This is out there for all of the world to see. I am FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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